2010hrs






Love Bunny.
Is there still time for me to change my mind?


Superman.
What now?

1524hrs

It almost felt like we were back to the beginning.

Neither made any move to touch the other even though we were sitting beside each other. Even a simple action like touching each other’s hands felt so foreign and unnatural. In the end, we just stopped trying.

I waited until he was ready to discuss the events that took place the night before last. That was one of the reasons why we chose to meet each other.

I didn’t need to wait much longer. He never liked to procrastinate anyway.

I kept apologizing even though he told me not to. On his part, he blamed himself for forgetting to remove the incriminating evidence.

No matter how much we each tried to take the blame, it wouldn’t make any difference.

It has already happened.

Even before I could ask if he still wanted for us to continue, he put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close to him. For that moment or two, we just listened to the sounds of each other’s breathing and said nothing else. Slowly, I began to relax and thus allowed myself to hug him back.

In light of recent circumstances, we should have chosen to let go but we didn’t take that option. Instead, we made the choice to sink deeper into this abyss.

Something this real between us two – I don’t want it to end so soon.

This is the second time round that we came so close to losing each other. Maybe that explains the urgency we felt to make things right in the shortest time possible.

I didn't want to let go. Neither did he showed any signs of letting go.

We didn't need to explain our actions. Both of us knew that anyday and anytime now, it could very well be our last.

I don't want to be too late again.

1552hrs

The message came in at 0028hrs.
From that minute onwards, everything changed.

Superman.

This could be the end to you and me.

2031hrs

16th Nov 2009

That familiar sight of red - that was the first thing I saw as soon as I reached the premises. Walked around trying to find Superman but couldn't see him anywhere around. Was just taking my time to settle down for work when the phone rang at 0830hrs.

"You're in the office?"
"Yes and I know you've already reported for work. That's early but I didn't see you anywhere around."
"I left just a few minutes after 8. Think we probably missed each other by that few minutes. I'll just carry on with doing my job first and I'll call you back later. Can?"
"Slowly does it. I'll wait for you."

He called a few times before lunch so I thought that was the end of it. Especially when it was such a busy day for him. Just then, the phone rang again when I was returning back to my seat after lunch.

"I just wanted to see if you already had your lunch since you didn't take your breakfast earlier."
"Yes, I just had mine. Will I see you later?"
"I'm not sure what time I'll finish my things. How will you be going back home?"
"Either of both ways works fine with me. I'm OK with waiting. Just call me later when you're done."

Less than an hour later, he called again.

"What's up, Superman? Seems that your calls are coming in at close intervals."
"Just a quick question and I do want the answer now. Tas, will you still want to be with me should the day comes when you're attached to someone?"
"I don't even think there's a possibility of me being with someone else when it's clear that I love you."
"Ok. What if the day comes when you're married then?"
"I'm not even thinking of that right now. That may only happen in the distant future and that's only a possibility. Why are you talking about all this now?"
"I want to know if this is going to be short term or long term."
"You can decide. Don't do things just because I want to."
"No, I'm definitely not doing this because you want to. I want the same too."
"Can we talk about this later? You're seeing me right?"
"Sure, later. I'll call you. Just hold on."

The wait didn't last long. He called and came by to fetch me just after 1800hrs.

I took comfort in whatever little shelter JP could offer and waited for him in the slight drizzle. When I climbed onboard his vehicle, the first thing he did was to ask if I was feeling cold because even from a distance, he could see me shivering.

So, when I had to wait for him outside of JP for the second time round, he apologised profusely for having to make me go through it again. After that, we made our way towards Gul Crescent for the second time that evening.

As the seconds ticked away, he was becoming more and more worried. He made known his concerns and even started thinking that he could be the reason why I was getting sicker.

"It's really not you, sayang. I just need more time than the average person to recover."
"I'm afraid that I'm making things worse for you."
"I'm used to it."
"Don't be. I don't want you to."

After everything was done, we made a detour instead of heading back to the premises. By mutual understanding, we just wanted to spend more time together.

As soon as the vehicle was safely parked, he reached for my hand and pulled me to his side. It was too dark for me to see where I was going. So much so that I fumbled and would have fell on my knees if it hadn't been for his strong grip holding me up in time. In the next second, I found myself holding him close for all of my life's worth. To his credit, he held me back with the same amount of enthusiam and showed no signs of letting go.

With him, I was becoming more of an addict. Always craving for more and never lesser.

"You weren't like this. Compared to before, you're now definitely less inhibited."
"I was always the same. You just didn't take notice of it before."

"Tas, you betul sayangkan I?"
"Never been sure of anything else."
"Tapi tak mungkin I jadi milik you. "
"So? I'm already contented enough to have you being by my side. Do you love me?"
"I'm not in the best position to answer that. I'm sorry."

"What do you expect to get from this relationship?"
"Nothing. I have no expectations whatsoever. Don't worry for me."
"No way. I must take your feelings into consideration. I don't want to hurt you."
"That's not necessary. Remember what happened the last time I cared for you? From that experience, I learnt a hard lesson about loving you."

"This can't go on forever. I don't want you to be tied down by me. You will never find your happiness in that case."
"What do you suggest then?"
"There must be an ending point but not now, Tas. Probably in less than 5 months time then, when I welcome the arrival of that special someone. That should be the right time to end things."

Feelingless and dead. That was how I felt upon hearing everything he had to say. Nevertheless, I continued trying my best to appear unaffected and neutral.

It's not like before. No longer does he has unlimited access to my private thoughts and feelings. As much as possible, I want to avoid putting him in a difficult position. He already has more than enough to worry about.

Deadline. Maybe that explains why I felt a greater need to possess and stay close to him.

"I should probably go away from here. Maybe only when that happens, will you then be able to forget all that we've shared and start afresh with someone new."
"I don't even think I want all that to take place."
"You deserve your own happiness, Tas. I can give you nothing to hold on to."
"Then I'm truly sorry for making things difficult for you."

He finally talked about the dream he had about me several nights ago.

"I went to the toilet and washed my face repeatedly but you know what? I just couldn't remove you from my mind. You were my everything."

I was right to say that it was getting more and more dangerous for us. We nearly got ourselves caught by the three while we were in the midst of switching vehicles back at the premises.

"That was close. You should have just allowed me to make my own way home."
"No. I already promised to send you home anyway."

When he leaned in to kiss me goodbye, I responded back with less enthusiam and quickly left the car. I couldn't pretend any longer. I believe he saw the dejected expression on my face as I made my way to the staircase landing. I didn't even smile when I waved him goodbye.

Blank. Nothingness.

In the end, I couldn't even make myself cry.


17 November 2009

His call came in bright and early at 0730hrs.

"Ready yet? I see you at JP's taxi stand. Is that all right?"
"It's OK. I can go to work by myself."
"Don't be stubborn. I'll see you there about 8."

He informed me of his arrival through text message. While waiting for me to arrive on location, we started bantering with each other through sms. I almost believed that everything was going to be all right.

Despite the silence, I wasn't forgotten.

Before I could even give him a call to inform him of my departure, he got through to me first.

"I was just about to call you."
"Liar. If I didn't call you, you wouldn't have called me."
"Finished with everything yet?"
"Not yet. Don't wait for me today. You should go home by yourself. I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Sure thing then. Lets work on an alternate day schedule."
"Stay safe and take care, Tas."

Sometime later in the evening, I was just walking to the staircase landing when my phone rang.

"Have you reached home safely?"
"It has just started to rain. I made it in good time."
"Good. I'm going out to fetch someone."
"Oh."
"My godmom. I'll see you tomorrow ok?"
"Till tomorrow then."

Superman, you're definitely lying if you tell me that you absolutely have no feelings for me because whatever you're doing for me now is far more than whatever you've done for me before. Back then, you already had fond feelings for me. So, what is it about now?

Don't lie. It's making both of us look like fools.

0857hrs

The aeroplane landed safely on last Saturday evening.

Let's not fail to mention that I nearly gave up on him yet again, especially when the clock was moving closer to 2130hrs and there was still no news from him.

So, when he finally texted me, it was to ask if I still wanted to go out with him. After exchanging a few more text messages, his plan was thus discovered.

He actually wanted to give me a surprise by showing up unannounced at my void deck. He then said that he wouldn't mind waiting for me to get dressed.

Still, it was his turn to be surprised when I turned up five minutes later and said,"I was ready since 8pm. I was just waiting for you to turn up. So, that puts an end to your surprise."

We drove down to town, bought the tickets for 2012's 0030hrs show and went to grab dinner. It was just a simple affair of having KFC takeaway while sitting outside of Borders but as always, his presence was the only thing that mattered.

During the movie, he took extra care not to make any unnecessary moves that may cause my rest to be disturbed while I laid my head on his shoulder. He would also make random checks to ensure that I was feeling ok, that my body temperature was maintained at a safe level.

He didn't need to say anything else. His actions already showed that my illness was bothering him.

A quiet drive home. We talked just about anything that came to mind.

For a moment there, we just looked at each other without saying anything after he walked me to the staircase landing. It was only when I attempted to say goodbye, that we started to reach for each other.

As I held him close, I said the one and only thing that came to mind.

"Isz, thank you for not disappointing me."

"You thought I'll fly you another aeroplane?"
"I thought so but I was hoping for you to prove me wrong. So thank you for that."

"Is this really how I want things to be for all three of us?" I quietly asked myself as I watched him walking away with a smile on his face.

Sadly, even I couldn't come up with the answer.

1844hrs

Before he dropped me off at work, we made plans to catch up with each other later on. So there I was, sitting quietly at my desk for his call to come in even to the extent of falling asleep. His call came in just as I was about to say good night to the world.

"What are you doing there, Tas?"
"Quietly sitting, waiting for you."
"Do you mind if I just see you for a while for me to take the documents from you and then you make your own way home? She just called and said that she wanted to see me."
"It's all right. Where should I see you then?"
"Meet me at the location when I dropped you off earlier in 10 minutes."

I walked out of the main gate just as he was coming to a stop. Slowly and carefully, I made my way to him, opened the door to the passenger side and passed him the documents.

"Hop in for a while, Tas."

Both of us went through the relevant documents to check if everything was in order. At the same time, I briefed him on what was going to happen on Monday. When I saw him filing away the papers, I got ready to alight.

"Kiss me before you go, Tas."

I couldn't help smiling before I did the necessary to cover the distance between us.

"Be careful."
"No, you take care Tas. It's going to rain soon and I'm worried about you heading home alone. Between the two of us, I'm in a much more stable position."
"I'll take care of myself. Don't you worry. Call me if anything crops up."
"Remember. Be careful."

Not once. Not twice. Thrice.
He seemed as reluctant to let go but we both knew we had to do the right thing.

We said our goodbyes before I slowly made my descent down the steps. I grinned back when I saw him smiling at me before I closed the door. He drove off as I was walking back to the gate. From that moment onwards, it was just me and me alone heading back to my place.

Caught in a slight drizzle. Did my best to reach home safely. Alhamdullilah.

I couldn't help checking my phone as I was taking out the necessary items from the box. One missed call from him. There was also a text message notifying me that he left a voice message on my mailbox.

So what if it was raining? I didn't want to wait anymore. I checked my mailbox while I was standing in the rain.

"Hello! When you received this message, kan when you dapat this message, it means that you have a missed call from me. Just wanted to tell you to stay safe and take care. See you on Monday but I don't know about tomorrow. If anything, I'll give you a call. K, love you. Bye bye."

I was getting drenched by the minute but the only thing I did was to repeat that voice message of his.

I stood there and started grinning like a fool all because of him.

If only he was there. It would have made things perfect.

Did I tell you that this is definitely the first time he said he loved me? Now you finally understand why I'm on cloud nine.

1236hrs

Currently waiting for him to fetch me and send me to work.

He called at 0930hrs that was a bit too early. I had just woken up from my sleep.

Love Bunny asked me out for tonight. He said he wouldn't fly me another aeroplane.

True?

We'll see then.

The only thing I look forward to every weekday morning - Superman's call.

1406hrs

Tassy and IdZ-, your relationship is motivated by thought and feeling, respectively. There is always a lot going on, and this tends to be a very flexible and progressive union. When it's good it's very good, but when it's bad, communication is abysmal. You like to be where IdZ-'s action and intellect stirs, and IdZ can learn social tolerance and warmth from you. You two work well together. Although you may disagree, your differences of opinion don't last long. Conflicts may arise because of your need for emotional support and tenderness, and IdZ-'s preference for ideas rather than romance.

I don't know since when has your laughter started to mean nothing to me. I just couldn't make myself laugh with you.

Probably it was a good thing that I sent that text message when I was half asleep. For everything which I always wanted to say but never had the guts to was all written in there.

Leave me if you must, especially since I mean nothing to you.

Another apology.

I've received that so many times but nothing has ever changed. Aren't you tired of apologising yet?

I'm not asking for your undivided attention. I just want you to make me feel like I'm part of your life.

A part. Not apart. Can you understand that?

2017hrs

Went all the way there yesterday evening in the hope of giving him a surprise. Other than that, I wanted him to give me his blessings. I just didn't feel good about hiding something so important from him.

It was all done in vain. I don't think he was even happy about seeing me there.

The smile disappeared from my face as soon as I heard what he had to say. He didn't even give the slightest indication that he cared about how I felt. Everything went further downhill when we talking about Sunday, of how he failed to turn up for our date yet again. To my dismay, he made several attempts to pass off feeble excuses as acceptable reasons.

If everything else seems to take priority over me, then where do I stand in your life?

"If you feel like throwing your temper at me and making known all your grouses, just let it all out."
"What's the use? You won't even care. All you would probably say will only be OK and I'm sorry. After that, you'll just do the same things all over again. "

"You're mad."
"I'm not. Think I've reached the point where I've learnt not to expect anything from you anymore."

"Told you that I don't like making promises."
"It's not about you breaking your promises. Instead, it's about you making me wait like a fool."

I tell you this much.

I'm tired of finding excuses for you.
I'm tired of making myself believe that we're going to be all right.
I'm tired of believing that our friendship means something to you.

I've been trying my best to understand you but sweetheart, the only thing you've been doing is to show me how much you don't care.

Feel free to let go. I won't stop you from leaving.

Maybe because I just can't be bothered to care anymore.

Seven. That could have been the ending point.

Taslimah Burhan
25 December 1988
Customer Service Coordinator

Cookies and Cream Makes Me Say Yes To Nearly Everything


...ugly duckling turned smart.
dear world, here's my comeback *

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MSN: taslimah88@hotmail.com

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